An Emotional Wreck

That's what I've been the last few days. A family member is going through a crisis and I thought I was being supportive, but when their crisis was over and it was time to grieve, they made a decision that made me angry. I didn't even know where the anger came from. It was just there. And overwhelming. It shocked both me and Hubby. It turns out that I was placing all the concern and frustration and helplessness that I wasn't able to express in my own crisis onto theirs. And once they decided to exclude family members from the 'closure' part of their grief, I was so angry I was seeing red. I see now that I was pinning my hope for closure in a past situation of mine on them and that was unfair. This is their tragedy, not mine. The fact is, I will never have that 'this is the end' moment regarding my own situation and I need to accept that. I thought I had. It turns out I had much more to say about an event that has been over for a year now than I knew. I didn't take it out on them, which I'm thankful for. They didn't need my wacko come-out-of-nowhere anger in the middle of all the other stress they were going through. I'm glad they have closure. I'm sad I never will. And that's just the way it is. I know this, too is for a reason. I'm trusting that I will grow and come out of this a better person.

Just a Little Bruised...

Yesterday Baby Boy and I were in a car accident. We lost our car and are so overwhelmingly thankful for the amazing firefighters who pulled us out of our flipped over car and made sure we were okay. It all happened so quickly and we had a real scare. One thing I'm newly appreciative of is our wonderful family and close friends. We're so blessed to have such beautiful souls in our lives who love us so much! I keep finding new bruises and am so amazed they are all I suffered. I definitely believe Someone was watching out for us. Thankfully, Baby Boy came away with barely a scratch. My brave little man who never cried, even when we found ourselves suddenly slammed by another car and losing all sense of direction as we rolled over in a fury of smoke and shattered glass. Seatbelts are such a simple thing, but I'm so glad we had them. I think our good old straps and buckles kept us from getting seriously injured. I see everything with new eyes. Things that seemed important are no longer top priority. I am reassured that the little things I've come to treasure are truly important. They are what matter. The people in our lives who we love and who love us: they matter. Others whom I've tried to please. Others who have judged me or my family and I've tried to judge back: none of that matters. I can't afford wasting time and life worrying about what they think or how I can repay their unkindness. I hadn't even realized I was doing that, but I was, in little ways. I hope to always have the clarity of thought I have right now. I love my family, my Lord and the life I'm blessed to be a part of. That's what is truly important.

What is Beauty and Inspiration?

These things are so convoluted in my mind. I will purposefully choose to do things to better myself. It starts now. Well, it started yesterday. Not being one who learned how to keep a house, I struggle with housework and end up resenting the mess around me. Yesterday I decided to put away one thing every time I entered a room. By the end of the day, my pile of daily chores didn't seem so dismal and you could actually see the kitchen sink and my dining table! Maybe there's something to this whole choosing your path thing. I used to blame my past for my shortcomings. This is who I am. Deal with it. But then I read somewhere that if you believe your past made you who you are, right now you're shaping who you'll be in the future. It got me thinking about what I thought I couldn't change about me. I'm going to start shaping myself into the person I want to be. I'd like to be smarter, kinder, more resourceful and stronger. I have no idea where to start, so I hope that writing about it will help. Today I will compliment a total stranger. This is hard for me since I don't make friends easily and am usually a very cynical, private person. Not just shmoozing. I will give someone a genuine compliment without sarcasm. I'm terrified just thinking about it. I want to eventually choose huge things that will enrich my life. For now, I'll start small.